It’s time for a Behind Closed Doors Sneak Peek! All the news you missed this week found right here in this convenient post! See, I think about you all the time! Find out after the jump what you missed.

Who Me?

Celebu-BRAT Paris Hilton was arrested this week for alleged cocaine possession in Las Vegas, NV. Hilton along with her boyfriend, former club manager Cy WhoGivesAShit, were pulled over after a police officer smelled marijuana from the car being driven by Cy (Editor’s Note:How the fuck do you smell marijuana from a car driving down the street??). After pulling the couple over, the officer then found 0.8 grams of a powered substance, later determined to be cocaine, in the purse carried by Ms. Hilton. They were both promptly arrested, booked, then released on recognizance at the police station. Hilton was charged with felony possession of a controlled substance and is due to stand trial at a later date.

Lindsay Lohan hits pedestrian with a–okay, never mind, no one really gives a shit anymore. Really Lo-CANTSTANDSTRAIGHT-han, no one cares about what you do. You could jump off a bridge and splatter onto the ground, and people would be more worried about whether or not you made a mess on their newly poured concrete. ON TO THE NEXT!

In a strange twist of things (something I,or GOD, cannot even explain), former R&B star Chris Brown is back on top of the charts with his lame song, “Deuces.” Well, he topped the R&B/Hip-Hop charts, so I don’t know if this really counts, but STILL! He has not seen the top of the charts since 2007 and it should have stayed that way. Where the hell was Trey Songz when you need him?? He should not have any more #1 hits. Unless the hit involves a CAR, shattered bones, and a broken spirit, NO MORE!

The Kardashian/Jenner clan and Larry King were given the keys to the city of Beverly Hills on Thursday. After the ceremony, the city promptly burned to the ground.

T.I and his adopted monkey wife, WHATSHERFACE were arrested this past week on Sunset Blvd. after cops pulled them over for making an illegal U-turn, then finding controlled substances (later revealed to be ecstasy) on their persons. They each were detained and released on $10,000 bond. WHAT THE HELL, T.I.?? Did you not just get out of FEDERAL prison?? Are you NOT on probation? You must have liked dropping the soap ’cause it seems you are itching to go back. Wouldn’t you have loved to be a fly on the window of the car when they say the police sirens? Oh God, I can imagine all laughs I missed out on.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a peek Behind Closed Doors!

-Damien

Congratulations are in order for Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer, star of HBO’s hit series, “True Blood.” The pair recently married over the weekend in a private ceremony in Malibu in front of friends and family.

The two got engaged last year, where Moyer proposed with a vintage ring on the beach last August. The ceremony was attended by guests that included, True Blood creator Alan Ball, costars Rutina Wesley, Carrie Preston, Sam Trammel, Ryan Kwanten, and actor Elijah Wood (random, right?).

Congratulations to the two! Let’s hope they beat the Hollywood “curse” of celebrity marriages.

dOOr cLoSeD.

-Damien

I don’t, and never will, understand what goes on through the brain of Spencer Pratt. This man is not from this planet, let alone universe, so why do we continue to entertain his crazy ass plots to gain fame? Are we, as a nation, that starved for Z-List attention seekers? I don’t get it.

If you care about the happenings of a certain Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (and at this point, who does?), you would be happy to hear that now you can get your rocks off…with them playing in the background. Reports are coming in saying that Spencer Pratt is shopping around a “library” of sex tapes featuring himself and the The Woman Formally Known as Heidi.

Gross. And if that doesn’t whet your appetite enough, there is also a tape featuring the Heidi-bot and her close friend, Playboy playmate Karissa Shannon. But really, does this surprise anyone? I didn’t buy the “I’m a Christian and Jesus Is My Homeboy” crap spewing out of Heidi-bot’s mouth when she first stepped onto the scene. Anyone who wants a career in Hollywood sold their soul to the Devil a long time ago and she is no exception.

And here’s the part that really worries me. Vivid Entertainment, the premiere place for deadbeat celebrity sex tapes, is allegedly considering taking Spencer up on his offer and is even entertaining Spencer’s price of $5,000,000 for the tapes.

WHAT THE HELL! Do you know what ELSE you could do with 5 million dollars instead of giving it to that washed up douche? You could…well, you could do a lot of other important things like fixing that leaky roof in your mansion? Or how about buying a mansion for the homeless? See, good deeds people.

I have a sinking feeling that this is going to go through. If Kim Kardashian couldn’t stop the release of her sex tape, then who the hell does Heidi-bot think she is? You know how this is all going to play out: Spencer will sell those tapes, collect the dues, Heidi-bot will sue (just to make it look she is SOOO distraught over this), Heidi-bot will lose and come to an agreement to share the profits with Vivid and Spencer.

So can we just get this over with and sell the damn tapes already. And hopefully, maybe, this will be the last straw up Spencer’s dirty little, midget sleeves.

dOOr cLoSeD.

-Damien

But are you surprised? This man and Susan Boyle will single handedly save music. I’ve christened them the Anti-Christ and Virgin Mary of music. Well, that is until Susan Boyle goes batshit crazy and the world will begin to wonder why they even liked her in the first place. It sure isn’t because of that hair!

Rapper Eminem has returned to the top of the charts with his double platinum selling album, Recovery. This week, Eminem’s disc sold 133,000 copies putting him back at No.1 on the Billboard charts. Following right behind him was last weeks No.1 Arcade Fire’s The Suburb with 52,000 albums sold. Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam rounds out the top 3 with 41,000 copies sold.

Many are wondering will Eminem be able to pull another week at No.1, but I can say that that won’t happen. Katy Perry’s newest album, Teenage Dream, drops on the 24th, along with a new EP from Usher entitled Versus. By the way, Perry has the top spot in the bag not only because of it’s infectious tracks, but because…it’s fucking Katy Perry.

‘Nuff said.

-Damien

The movie looks awesome and all the good stuff, really, but at the end of trailer I have to ask: Did she just turn into a fucking swan??

Starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis (in what’s looks to be one of her best roles yet), director Darren Aronofsky’s “Black Swan” looks to be his next work relishing in dark set pieces, moody music, and creepy stares from Wynona Rider (did you catch her?). The movie looks compelling and I hope it doesn’t fall victim to showing all the off the good parts in the trailer.

What do you think of the trailer? Is your interest piqued? Tell me your VERDICT in the comments!

Wow. It really has been a while since I last visited you all here at Close the Door, Please. It wasn’t on purpose and believe me that I’ve missed writing and entertaining you all. But don’t worry, I think I can focus a good majority of energy back into the site.

Changes have been happening here at Close the Door, Please. We lost two regular staff writers and that put a HUGE dent in our posting schedule. Although I wish there were more hours in the day, they’re aren’t and I could only, by myself, devote so much time to my baby here.

But I have returned to my mistress and will never leave you again…until the next staff writer decides to bounce on me. Don’t worry, you will still have the snarky posting and commentary that you all have come to love. That will never change.

Unless I undergo that operation I’ve been thinking about, but if Paris Hilton has her way, I won’t be. Damn her millions in bribe money. She always has to be first and get her way.

dOOr cLoSeD.

-Damien

This weekend, that one guy who starred in ALL three of those High School Musicals movies, has a picture being released this weekend entitled, Charlie St. Cloud. This vehicle film was supposed to be able to show how well Efron could stand up against the big dogs in the film world: Leonardo DiCaprio, Angelina Jolie, and Steve Carrell to name a few. How well did he do? Let’s just say….well, let’s just say you’ll find out after the jump…

So, he didn’t do too hot. But should this come as a surprise? People, and by people I mean movie execs., need to understand that he [Zac] cannot open a movie by himself without riding high off the release of some tweeny musical film. Take his last stab at the box office: Me and Orson Welles. As of this writing, the film has only grossed $1.1 million in its wide release. I do understand that the film was not meant to be a complete blockbuster (it’s an “artsy” film if you haven’t seen it), but $1.1. million with one of the country’s biggest teen stars?? That’s pathetic.

Kind of reminds me of Robin Pattinson. Even though millions of tweens girls will follow his every move, know all of his lines from those Twilight films, and hang his picture in their high school lockers, they didn’t seem too thrilled about his other box office offering, Remember Me. That bombed both critically and commercially.

Charlie St. Cloud opened to a measly $5.3 million on Friday, which should translate into a $14-15 million weekend. But that showing barely beat out a kiddie sequel that no one asked for the by the way, Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, which should open to a $13.5 million weekend. Let’s not forget that Efron’s film also got beat by holdovers, Inception starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Salt starring Angelina Jolie. The other new release this weekend, Dinner for Schmucks, is expected to take the #1 slot this weekend, with $24 million.

I can understand his reasoning for taking the film. He wants to step away from his Disney roots and really show people that he can hold a film on his own and can actually act. Well, I’m sorry, but he chose the wrong vehicle to do that with. Between the fact that the whole plot was given away in the trailers, the half-way decent storyline, and Efron staring blankly into space, which he calls portraying despair and hurt, this film was doomed from the beginning.

I will admit, I did like the premise of the movie. It seemed like something, if done right, that could possibly be something quite enjoyable. Yet, it fell into the cliche traps of movies like it before: The Last Song, Dear John, etc.

So back to the main point: Can Efron open a movie by himself? Now, some of my viewers may be screaming at me, reminding me of Efron’s 17 Again flick. Yes, he did open that by himself and it did do pretty well at the box office.As of this writing it has accumulated $64.1 million at the box office. Not bad for a flick with a washed up, over-used plot.

But let’s look at the context of its release: Just a few months before its release, High School Musical 3, was released to theaters and the all the tweens of the world ate that shit up. Zac Efron was in the forefront of those teens minds and they wanted more. Naturally, 3 months later trailers were shown with Efron taking his shirt off for some film called, 17 Again. Tween girls began salivating at the mouth and wanted every bit of Efron they could muster.

17 Again became a hit, Efron “solidified” his place as a box office draw and the world cheered? But was it a little premature? Uhh….yeah.

Take away the high from High School Musical being released just a few months back and what do you think 17 Again would have been?

Just like Charlie St. Cloud.

Efron can become a star, I truly believe he can. But pick your pics better and I know you want the world to take you seriously as an actor, but that comes with time. You are the pretty boy. Embrace it and the make the biggest movie career you can out of it based on that fact. Then, once you’ve established yourself a bit more, you can go out and do sappy films where people will actually take you seriously.

But, hey, what do I know? But I ask this, Mr. Efron: You do remember Ricky Schoeder correct?

dOOr cLoSeD.

-Damien

Soooo, I know I write about one of these every week, but I do need you, faithful readers of Close the Door, Please, to listen up: A major shakeup is coming to Close the Door, Please! Things are going to change and posting will, I promise become more regular. I am adding more writers to the site and the posting will increase in size each day.

Now, when does all of this madness and fun begin? Check back later next week to see the changes! I promise this time. Things will be different.

dOOr cLoSeD.

-Damien

R&B is slowly losing its footing in the music world with some of its biggest name in the genre moving over to a more pop/dance feel. And that may not be a bad thing. I know some people will hate on Usher for making this move, but I really enjoy this new vibe from him. He may have a new fan.

Now, I’ve been a fan of Usher for a while, but I always like him most when he stepped out of his comfort zone and did something different. Take “OMG” from his latest album, “Raymond v Raymond.” Who would have thought Usher would make a song like that, but he did and it turned out to be the biggest hit from the current album. And now he has graced our presence once again with his newest outing, “DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again.”

I really like the song. At first, I couldn’t stand to hear his voice strain over the dance/electronic beat, but after listening to it a few times it turns out to not be that bad of a song. Don’t judge the book by its cover and take a listen to Usher’s newest single, “DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again.

And tell me your VERDICT in the comments below!

Usher feat. Pitbull-DJ Got Us Falling In Love

dOOr cLoSed.

-Damien

P.S. Oh, and completely ignore Pitbull’s verse. I don’t know what he is saying and I’m sure he cursed me out and called my mother a freckled pig. Just saying, that’s what I heard.

Can someone please explain to me what the hell is going on in Ne-Yo’s new video for his latest single, “Beautiful Monster?” I have no idea what I just witnessed.

From the references to The Matrix in the beginning of the video to the creepy robot eyes of the patrons in the club scene. And what is Ne-Yo trying to be a drunken superhero/kung fu master? Didn’t Jackie Chan try that shiz out like 20 years ago?

I don’t like the song (except for the “I Don’t Mind, I Don’t Mind” part) and the video has turned me off even more. EPIC FAIL! But, hey, someone thought this video was good because it made it out of post-production looking like that. And for Ne-Yo’s sake, I really hope he didn’t have final say on the finished product. I pray this was some stupid music exec’s decision and Ne-Yo really hasn’t lost his damn mind.

Check it out and tell me what’s your VERDICT. I have a feeling I already know what it is.

dOOr cLoSeD…but then kicked down by Ne-Yo.

-Damien